[PS: This diary was originally created for mobile devices]
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy (Episode 1)
6 a.m / Sun: Born to hustle, get rich or die trying. Finally solved my internet connection wahala… after 3 days. My inbox was overflowing with mails and IM alerts. Mails from: Congressman, Mrs. Welligton, Jamal, Modressa, Rohas, all wondering whatsup. My head is aching badly and i need a smoke.
9 a.m / Sun: I must go to church today, because I am in need of divine intervention. I need serious control number this week… I would be right back.
12 p.m / Sun: Getting straight to business. Loading meebo, log in daddyhunt, google language, launching notepad… Yahoo Boy mode activated.
1.25 p.m / Sun: Chatting with Mrs. Wellington, my Iceland widow… I told her I have been down with flu, she was so concerned. Also promised to come to Iceland in the winter. Its always cold.
3 p.m / Sun: I am out of cigarettes… Tonia just called me. She wants me to take her to the cinema to watch Mr. & Mrs Smith. Fixed that for later in the evening… Inbox: Modressa agrees to take my non-existing apartment in boston… she wants more interior pictures though (surfing google/images for downloads).
6 p.m / Sun: I have to go now… I am off to the cinema with Anthonia… Rocking a green t-shirt and a denim jeans.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy (Episode 2)
8 p.m / Wed: Called Mr. Makinwa in the bank, he told me the coast is clear and I can go ahead with my transaction, it is a western union transfer… And he is not budging on his 10% commission. I am unable to link up with Jamal (my gay boyfriend in S/Africa). I know something is wrong.
10 p.m / Wed: I got to the Eben’s Cafe just in time to secure my regular spot (far corner to the right, by the door that leads to the backyard. Quick Exit in case of emergencies). I heard FastClick Cafe was busted by EFCC on Sunday night. The same night I was with Tonia. Talk about lady-luck. My buddie, and partner in crime, Caleb, is in police custody.
10.45 p.m / Wed: loading…. Ebay.com / amazon.com…. I checked out the laptops on sale, and copied a couple of specs to notepad.
11.22 p.m /Wed: Putting up another apartment vacancy in Texas… young and hard working roommate wanted (we split the rent equally)
1 a.m /Thur: au voir.com…. AdultfriendFinder logged in. Congressman already online. He has been stalling on sending me money… I sent him some nude picture (I honestly don’t know the guy in the photo). I know he liked what he saw, becaused he promised me heaven and earth again.
4.20 a.m / Thur: 12th stick of cigarette finished and time to head home.
5a.m/Thur: I crept into bed, and was seriously snoring in no time. Another long day ahead.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy (Part 3)
10 a.m / Thur: Getting Caleb out of custody didn’t come cheap. I had to part with #20,000…
This is wat really went dwn at FastClick Cafe:
(11p.m/sun) it was busy as usual. Boys were ‘mugu’ing their magas, when suddenly men in black bust in (NPF). Sharp boys were quick enough to switch off their systems, Caleb was even fast enough to dispose off his sim card (it contained many international contacts) He dumped the sim card in a dustbin. The security agents just packed everybody inside their pick-up, and straight to the station.
12 p.m / Thur: I simply don’t understand how boys waste their time on facebook?! No maga to pay… but I am forced to sign-up (by Tonia actually). Killing two birds with one stone… I opened a new yahoo mail, ID: Barbara Simpson, 20 years old and an aspiring model. I also downloaded lots of pix for my new identity, very sexy. Barbara Simpson would have a
4 p.m / Thur: I got back home and I met Tonia’s bag is on the couch. I left Caleb at home. Where’s she? Voices in the bedroom… no, more like moaning. I can’t believe Caleb brought one of his numerous Lag chics into my room after i warned him against it.
4.10p.m / Thur: Tonia? In towels? Coming out of my room? With Caleb? I can’t believe what I am seeing.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy. (The Story of Tonia)
The leopard never changes it spots.
This is my story with Anthonia Dada (a.k.a Tonia). I met her in my third year at the University of Lagos. I was studying System Engineering and she was in her fourth year for Geology. She hails from Oyo state, and she is the only surviving child of a retired teacher (her dad died while she was still a baby).
Getting by financial was a major challenge for her. After we started going out, she confessed that she had two abortions before. She complained amidst tears that men took adavntage of her whenever she needed financial assistance and sex was the only thing she had to offer.
One unforgettable incident was when we resumed for a new sesion and Tonia told me she was pregnant (for one aristo) and she needed money for abortion. She wanted me to help her raise the money (imagine, I hadn’t seen my girlfriend in 3 months and she shows up pregnant). She said it a was a mistake, and it would never happen again. She had complications from the abortion and nearly lost her life. Then she promised not to sleep around again, and I believed her.
We actually had lots of fun 2geda,even linkin up afta nysc& still dating. Until I had to pay #20,000 (bailing Caleb) only to discover she was cheating on me. I had been a maga all along.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy (Part 4)
10a.m / Sun: had 2 cool off 4 a while afta d caleb-tonia drama. I had 2 decide on my nxt line of action. Afta leavin both lovers (the betrayers,guess an the betrayee) in my apartmnt dat evenin,hv nt seen either of them& am nt bothered. First,i gd 2 rtrieve caleb’s sim 4m d “hrt fast click” cafe. One good turn deserve anotha,so also one bad turn…
2 p.m / Sun: had a disturbin phone cal 4m mumsy…dad has hspitalized again-relapsing anthritis.Money 4 trtment close 2 #80,000.God i nd inspiratn.
6 p.m / Sun: I scanned through Caleb’s sim contact… loads of gays pictures and private numbers. Copied out numbas 2 link up wit lata. So lucky, found an account number and three different “test questn answers” for Western Union Transfer.
10 p.m / Sun: My plan is to hang out at Zee’s Bar tonight. A pleasure trip. I hooked one heavily-busted edo babe, called Ijay (short for Ijeoma). Just a one night stand parole. I released all my bottled anger on her, nearly drilled a hole through her back as I pound away between her thigh, she didn’t complain.
4a.m / Mon: I am exhausted and burnt out. As I watch the rings of my cigarettes smoke rise up and disappear, I conceived a plan for revenge.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy (Part 5 – A Pound of Flesh)
9 a.m / Wed: My dad spent two weeks in hospital and i spent three weeks out of town. I must say that is really bad for business.
12 p.m / Wed: I ran into Caleb at Eben’s cafe, slimy ungrateful dude. He apologized for the incident with Tonia, claiming Anthonia came on to him. She seduced him. Apology accepted (I have better things on my mind jo). As a proof of his forgiveness, I insisted we hang out together for drinks at my place later in the evening.
5.45 p.m / Wed: Everything is set for the night. Enough booze and shèpé, date drug, and my phone.
6.30 p.m / Wed: Boyz don shack&eye don dirty.Caleb dey stupor 4m continous sippin of stout,squady&shèpé. Gradually Caleb begin dey “jabô” as i askd abt all d contcts i retrieve 4m his SIM crd,even d control numba(for £5000). 10p.m/wed: i mixd valium wit caleb’s drink&watched him dozed off.Mission accomplished. I wnder wat he wuld rmba wen he wakes 2moro
10.25 p.m / Wed: I just have enough time to pickup Ijeoma for another wild night of passion. She really knows how to please a guy, with all those acrobatic styles you only see in XXX movies. Bought two packs of “rubber” on my way, it pays to play safe.
Diary of a Yahoo! Boy prt6 (EFCC Again!!!)
10 a.m / Fri: Went to d bank today. Shocking news. Mr. Makinwa was arrested by EFCC 2wks ago (no wonder his phone hasn’t unreachable). He was accused of aiding & abetting illegal transactions that involved defrauding of foreign nationals. All accounts that were linked to him has been seized, including mine (after I paid him off on my last transfer). Chai… my last account balance was #850,000. I gathered that EFCC was on the tail of all account owners connected with Mr. Makinwa. So the one month I spent out of town was a blessing in disguise. EFCC, abeg leave yahoo boys alone and face Hallinburton.
2 p.m / Fri: Officially am broke and EFCC is still on the look out for me! I have to be extremely careful now… no more local I.Ps online and I need to install a reliable I.P scrambler.
8 p.m / Fri: TGIF. Friday nyt?Club or Café? All work and no play makes mayay a mugu… I am going clubbing this night jo!
11.45 p.m / Fri: DJ blastin Gbedü pumpin Babes windin& boyz dey “choco”late. Thinkin about what I lost: #850,000. I should have moved the money. I really fucked up bigtime. Anyway, maga never die, maga must to pay again!!!
…Since the commencement of the REBRANDING NIGERIA PROJECT, I cease to glorify internet crime of any form, and I laid to rest “the diary of a yahoo”. MAGA NO NEED PAY!!!